Dear Parents,

Happy end of summer! I hope your child is looking forward to another term in our PhD program.

As the school year approaches, we ask you and your child to acquire the following materials, and bring them to campus:

  • 1 box of chalk (Hagoromo preferred)
  • 12 pencils
  • 12,000 erasers
  • A lifelong obsession with board games (or similar niche hobby)
  • 1 sweater, in case of icy abstractions and/or air conditioning
  • 5 boxes of Pop Tarts (or an equally bleak form of nourishment)
  • 1 remembered word of encouragement from an undergraduate professor (to be clutched as a source of comfort during moments of despair)
  • 600 pounds of instant coffee
  • 1 bottle of bubble solution (NOTE: kids love bubbles)
  • 5-10 romantic misconceptions about the research process (for intermittent shattering)
  • 1-2 occasional pangs of regret at choosing this over more lucrative career paths (along with constant low-level gratitude for the zany opportunity to learn math for a living)
  • xkcd #435, for hanging on your office door (acceptable substitutes include #447, #626, #179, #356, #849, #899, #1131, #1153…)
  • 5-10 undergraduate textbooks to be hauled around and never opened (NOTE: be sure not to bring the one textbook it will turn out that you actually need)
  • 1 lifelong frenemy, whose success both enrages and motivates you
  • The understanding that there is more to life than cofunctors

Please have your child neatly label these items with their full name, PhD advisor, and intended graduation year.

(If asking “What year do you intend to graduate?” causes your child’s breathing to become rapid and shallow, don’t worry. Your child may or may not be asthmatic, but is definitely a doctoral candidate.)

If you have any questions, please reach out to your child’s advisor. You may expect a cryptic two-word reply within 17 seconds, or else an apologetic thirty-word reply in 6-8 months.

Happy research!

-Your Doctoral Program

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